BEARDILOCKS AND THE THREE BARES: It can be a harsh world out there!

Once upon a time, in a big white castle by the sea, there lived three bares. The biggest of the three was very corpulent and his name was Paddedtum Bare. The next bare had a hole in the top of his head because he was a moneybox, his name was Tuppenny Ha'penny Bare. The last bare was mighty afeard of the other two because he wasn't a real bare at all, he was a jelly bare and he knew that, one day, Paddedtum Bare might get hungry and decide to eat him. Because he wobbled a lot everybody called him Scaredy Bare.

Near to the three bares' big white castle lived a man called Beardilocks. He was called Beardilocks because he used to spend his days growing beards. He would grow them everywhere-in his greenhouse, in his window boxes and on his allotment. His beards were said to be the finest in all the land and they won many prizes at wildlife shows. And wherever he went folk would stop whatever they were doing and say;

"Look at Beardilockses beards!"

Sometimes they would point at the beards from across the street, but the beards did not take offence because they knew that the populace was not doing it to be rude.

Now then, one day the three bares were looking out of a window in their castle when they noticed Beardilocks sat by the sea.

"What is that man doing?" Paddedtum Bare asked Tuppenny Ha'penny Bare.

"Bless me!" replied Tuppenny Ha'penny Bare, "I do not know. I will ask Scaredy Bare."

And turning to the unlikely figure of Scaredy Bare he asked;

"What is that man doing?"

Scaredy Bare looked at Beardilocks very intently for a few moments and then, in a voice which conveyed both horror and disbelief, he exclaimed;

"He is growing a beard! In public!"

Upon hearing this reply Tuppenny Ha'penny Bare turned back to Paddedtum Bare and, borrowing the voice which conveyed both horror and disbelief, he said;

"Scaredy Bare says that he is growing a beard! In public!"

"Well goodness gracious me!" intoned Paddedtum Bare in a doom laden tone, "we cannot have this going on in public. I shall soon put a stop to that man's beard growing shenanigans!"

Tuppenny Ha'penny Bare leaned close to Scaredy Bare's ear. In a voice which the casual observer might well note had a great deal of relief in it, he said;

"It's alright Scaredy Bare, Paddedtum Bare will soon put a stop to that man's beard shenanigans."

For a few more moments the three bares digested the frightful scenario which was unfolding before their very eyes. Then, pulling himself up to his full height and using his most determined tone, Paddedtum Bare announced;

It is ten o'clock and I must go and eat some buns! Tuppenny Ha'ppeny Bare, you must be the one to put a stop to that man's beard shenanigans."

And with these words still reverberating around the castle, Paddedtum Bare stamped off to the bun cupboard.

"Oh dear me," said Tuppenny Ha'penny Bare in the most concerned tone at his disposal, "I cannot put a stop to that man's beard shenanigans, I have a head full of money which I have to count."

He turned to Scaredy Bare and, with a voice filled with a level of importance seldom heard since the days of King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table, said;

"Scaredy Bare, I hereby charge you with a quest. Go forth from the castle and put a stop to that man's beard shenanigans."

At these words Scaredy Bare would have turned white, but his jelly mix was much too full of e numbers to accomplish this. Anticipating a minor attempt at rebellion, Tuppenny Ha'penny Bare then smiled sweetly at his insubstantial companion and murmured;

"And if you fail, I shall eat you with cream for my Sunday tea."

As he thus intoned, Tuppenny Ha'penny Bare pulled forth a silver dessert spoon from within his pocket and used this ostentatious piece of cutlery to tap Scaredy Bare twice upon the head. He then went away to count the money in his head.
Oh how Scaredy Bare wobbled at the thought of the untenable position into which he had been placed much against his will. He wobbled to the left and then to the right. He wobbled forwards and he wobbled backwards. He wobbled up and then he wobbled down the stairs and out of the castle. Then, taking firm control of his inadvertent wobbling, he went to speak to Beardilocks who was still sat by the sea growing a beard.

"Now then now then now then," said Scaredy Bare in what he fondly imagined was an authoritative tone, "it's just not good enough! What have you got to say for yourself, eh?"

Beardilocks considered this question carefully-looked at its implications from all angles as it were-before giving his reply;

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Oh Ho!" Scaredy Bare raised his eyebrows, hoping that this would give the impression that he was not being fooled for one minute oh no sir not he. Then he narrowed his eyes meaningfully and said; "The beard."

"Yes," replied Beardilocks proudly, "it is rather magnificent, isn't it?"

"Yes it jolly well is...er... I mean, no it jolly well isn't. And I demand in the name of all that is righteous that you stop growing it this instant!"

Scaredy Bare was rather proud of this little speech, he thought it made him sound very important indeed. Subsequently he was shocked to the core therefore when Beardilocks replied;

"But surely, it is writ large upon the statute books: It is the inalienable right of every freeborn Englishman to ignore the rantings of a jelly."

At these words Scaredy Bare became smitten with ire: he was not proud of his jelliness and hated anybody making reference to it. From deep within he felt the stirrings of a volcanic wobble, but he held these feelings in check as he spake these words;

"I cometh not as a supplicant but, yea, as a messenger of they who will not be disobeyed. What say you now O bearded worm of the soil?"

But Beardilocks was having none of this and speaking, with the voice of the mighty land, he pointed out;

"It's a bare faced cheek!"

And turning his back upon his failed tormentor he sat down by the sea and carried on growing a beard.

SKIN CHINS: THE 'ACTION MAN' CONNECTION.

In my fearless campaign to bring you the facts your (fanfare!) Bearded Crusader has uncovered evidence that the rise of the Skin Chin cult has its foundations in the sales of 'Action Man', and other similar toys, during the later part of the 1960s and through the early 1970s. Indeed, so damning is this evidence that Whitehall, and particularly the Ministry of Toys, has taken great measures to attempt to suppress the truth. But, as we know, government departments have more leaks that a shaver's face after he inadvertently uses a blunt razor.

I have been handed a copy of the top-secret document which details a disturbing number of side effects that these toys had upon young boys. The author of this report is Dr Foster, senior lecturer in Hyetological Studies at Gloucester University: in it he points out that whilst young boys had played with toy soldiers for many years, the 'Action Man' was the first toy which encouraged pre-pubescent males to play with what were, in reality, dollies-a playtime activity generally more associated with young females. Rather like the 'Cindy' doll that his sister may play with, a young lad could collect various different clothes for his dolly and dress his 'Action Man' up in a variety of uniforms. As to the lasting effect that this had on these boys formative years, I quote from Dr Foster's report;

"We should take careful note of what happened to the first generation of 'Action Man' aficionados when they reached their 20s, an age when members of both sexes want to make their presence felt in society. I refer, of course, to the music and fashions of the 1980s-Boy George, Marilyn, Depeche Mode, Kajagoogoo, the list is endless and speaks for itself. These are what I class as 'The little boys who played with dollies' who then had the opportunity to inflict their confused identities upon society as a whole. It is as if they were wanting people to acknowledge what 'Action Man' had done to them. (Compare these unfortunates to the previous generation: Ozzy Osbourne, for example, would never have been given an 'Action Man' as a Christmas present when he was a boy. Or, if he had, he would have bitten its head off by Boxing Day.) It should be noted that with society's failure to take note of the 80s generation's cry for help most of its protagonists ended up growing designer stubble-not dissimilar, you will notice, to that featured on later models of 'Action Man'."

No doubt there are some who would accuse Dr Foster of being a fully paid up member of The Cloud Cuckoo Land Residents Association. But I for one am reluctant to ignore a warning that he gives in relation to 'Action Mans' relaunch in 1993, especially as some of his predictions on the consequences of this have manifested themselves during the first decade of the 21st century.

"It is an accepted fact that each successive generation feels the need to outdo the previous one, this is part of mankind's biological make-up. Unfortunately, the 'Neo-Action Man' youngsters of the 1990s are showing signs of wishing to emulate their hero to the full. To this end they are advocating a society where bodily hair is frowned upon, except perhaps a little head hair. Witness the rise since 2000, when these youngsters entered society as adults, of so called 'Beauty Parlours' for men in which treatments are offered, encouraged even, to render the human body a carbon copy of 'Action Man's' vinyl construction. But this is just the tip of the iceberg: there is evidence that the owners of these parlours have contacts with unscrupulous medical practitioners abroad. Young men are paying many thousands of pounds to travel to the US for cosmetic surgery, illegal in this country, to have their genitalia removed and their anus filled in. Only then can they truly feel that they have become the 'Action Man' which they so desperately want to be".

There we have it, a definite link between 'Action Man' and the growing Skin Chin cult. These people have to be stopped! Remember, you heard it here first.

THE BEARDED CRUSADER'S TOP TIPS ON WHAT NOT TO EAT IN PUBLIC WHEN YOU HAVE A BEARD.

This advice is aimed primarily at the novice beard grower and is designed to assist through those awkward early stages of beard ownership.

1;
THE FRIED EGG SANDWICH. It is possible to safely eat a fried egg sandwich in public, but only if you use a knife and fork. The disadvantage with this should be obvious-a great loss of satisfaction in the experience. After all, one of the fried egg sandwich's delights is when you pick it up, bite into it and enjoy the sensation of the yolk bursting onto your taste buds, all over your lips and running down your chin. Due to the blotting-paper like quality of a beard it is best to only indulge in this pleasure whilst in close range of your own bathroom.

2;
THE JAM DOUGHNUT. AS with the above, the squidgy bit inside goes everywhere and, therefore, can only be eaten safely in public by the employment of a knife and fork. Eccentricity is one thing-indeed, a mighty splendid thing-but eating a jam doughnut with a knife and fork is just plain silly!

3;
THE CREAM/CUSTARD SLICE. This is included in the list because it is possible but inadvisable. It can, however, be undertaken when a substitute for a public jam doughnut is needed (see above) and in these cases will be found to be adequate.

4;
THE SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE. Can be done, but not if you are in a hurry. Also, it has to be borne in mind that once your beard starts to reach a respectable length (which is approx. one foot from chin to tip) it becomes impossible to suck a strand of spaghetti into your mouth without taking in strands of whisker with it. When this happens you may get off lightly with just suffering from fur balls-uncomfortable to pass but this is a condition which can be easily dealt with by a qualified vet. The real danger though is that, if you are distracted during your meal, you can end up accidentally eating your own face. Months of painful cosmetic surgery will then ensue and, to be quite honest, I do not feel it is worth the risk.

5;
THE SALT AND VINEGAR CRISP. A contentious inclusion, but facts have to be faced no matter how painful they are. The salt and vinegar crisp is a juvenile crisp, the only reason for its invention is to keep the kids quiet in a public house. If you are old enough to grow a beard then Mother Nature is telling you that it is time to opt for a more dignified crisp.

6;
THE BANANA FRITTER. Right out of the question, don't even think about it!

7;
THE GIANT SIZED ICE CREAM CORNET. Tempting, very tempting, especially in a heatwave, but ultimately a short-cut to discovering how utterly cruel the universe can be at times. Listen to one who has learned the hard way-before you can manage to enjoy the first quarter of it the rest will be found to have melted all over your hand and your clothes will be in a right sticky mess. But all is not lost, smaller ices are easy-so go for little and often.


There are many more items that could be included on this list but, not wishing to bombard the novice too early in his or her career, I shall stop here. With the foodstuffs identified above the ground rules are set enabling the possible pit-falls to be seen and avoided.


Coming soon: An almost certain link between 'Action Man' and the Skin Chin cult.

POGONOPHOBIA? DISPELLING THE MYTH.

Pogonophobia-an irrational fear or dislike of beards-is, tragically, only too prevalent in this country today. But why is this so? It is, after all, a very modern phenomena which is afflicting a growing number of unfortunate sufferers, many of whom are unwilling to admit that they even have a problem-let alone seek treatment for it. To get the answer to these questions I spoke to Dr Livingstone Ipresume, senior lecturer in Human Irrationality and Pettymindedness Studies at the University of Liffe. Having specialised in this subject for many days he has come up with some interesting theories on the social condition that many of us know as Pogonophobia.

"For some sufferers the problem is very real and its causes can be many and varied, as with most phobias. But I do believe that many who appear to be suffering from Pogonophobia are non-genuine cases, they are merely jumping onto the Pogonophobic bandwagon. I differentiate these from the genuine cases by classing them as 'Skin Chins' and they are, quite simply, frauds who are forming themselves into urban gangs in order to carry out acts of verbal abuse upon the innocent and law abiding bearded members of our society."

So what lies at the root of these gangs of Skin Chins who are starting to terrorise our towns and cities? Traditionally any similar act of aggression by one group towards another is seen as a race memory going back to homo sapiens tribal past-each tribe having a way of distinguishing its members as belonging to that group. But is the modern problem of Skin Chins so easily explained? Dr Ipresume thinks not;

"A very noticeable feature of the Skin Chin gangs is that their members are, to all outward appearances, generally well educated people with good jobs and secure backgrounds. My studies lead me to conclude that herein lies the problem; having made a success of their lives, in purely financial terms, they nevertheless harbour deep insecurities about their own self-worth. When you consider that the facial and bodily hair is one of the main differences between the male and the female of our species it becomes easy to begin to understand how the Skin Chin mind works. When a man removes his facial hair he is, in effect, also removing that which identifies him as a male. Though certain sections of the media, and particularly the advertising media, will tell him that this is a good thing his bio-chemical makeup will recognise it as a loss. It is then not difficult to see why he feels the need to reassert his masculinity by bullying those who have chosen not to remove their facial hair, in them he sees his the bearded man that society will not allow him to be."

Listening to Dr Ipresume's words I cannot help noticing that his studies seem to have concentrated solely upon the male Pogonophobics in our society. When I point this fact out to him he has a ready answer;

"Well, yes, it is true that Pogonophobia can afflict members of either sex, but the female sufferer does tend to have a more practical reason to dislike to facial hair on the male. They complain that the bristles tickle their nostrils and, in some cases, can cause a rash on their thighs."

As to possible solutions to the problem of urban Skin Chin gangs, Dr Ipresume is quite clear that the government is going to have to take drastic measures to curb their activities;

"The obvious suggestion is, of course, that they should be offered counselling. But I personally fear that this would be a waste of public money-these people will not want to change their lifestyles and ultimately this approach would fail. I would advocate that, after a suitable period of training, they should be put aboard a spacecraft and sent into exile to some far reach of the universe."

Drastic solution indeed, but with a General Election expected within the coming months, this could well be part of a mainstream Party's manifesto which could well tip the balance in their favour.



In next week's post I will be looking into the probable link between 'Action Man' and Skin Chins.